my struggle with health

origional post June 17, 2008 - Tuesday


Some of you may know, most of you dont. A year and a half ago I was dianosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, other wise known as P.C.O.S. Wiikipedia defines it as: Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (abbreviated PCOS or PCO), also known clinically as Stein-Leventhal syndrome, is an endocrine disorder that affects approximately 10% of all women .[1] It occurs amongst all races and nationalities, is the most common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age, and is a leading cause of infertility.[2][3] The principal features are weight problems, lack of regular ovulation and/or menstruation, and excessive amounts or effects of androgenic (masculinizing) hormones. The symptoms and severity of the syndrome vary greatly between women. While the causes are unknown, insulin resistance, diabetes and obesity are all strongly correlated with PCOS.

Personally I define it as my living hell. I get hot flashes, night sweats, HORRIBLE mood swings, sugar levels go up and down at the drop of a hat, continous pain in my stomach from my ovaries. I gain weight at the drop of a dime, and i dont even want to talk about loosing it. I know i need to take care of myself, and sometimes its easier just not to. I can sleep 5 more minutes if i just grab some burger from the drive thru for lunch instead of making it. the side effects suck, and are very difficult mentally to deal with. my face breaks out like a 13 year old boys face. i have hair in places most men do. i have to pluck, trim, and shave every day. It makes you produce testosterone. yes the shit that men have. it makes you loose your hair, get depressed very easily, you have issues conceving children. its a mess.

It makes relationships hard because i hate the way i look. i cry every time i see myself naked, becuase i hate who it is making me become. I discust myself. i always joke around about my weight, but deep down inside it just tears through me like nothing else has before. i try to eat right, i even joined a gym. and I went for a few weeks, and i kept making excuses as to why i dont want to go. If someone takes a pictuer of me other than my face, i delete it becuase i hate myself and the way i look. i have huge self estem issues becuase of my weight.

but that is going to change, and its going to change NOW. I am done being fat, I am done crying because I look horrible in what i chose to wear today to work. I am tired of being lazy and feeling sorry for myself. This time I AM DONE WITH ME. its time to change, I am only 25, and this P.C.O.S can be a death sentence, but how i choose to live untill that happens, is MY CHOICE. Today i start a new. Its not about being a size 2, or weighing 115 pounds, its about being healthy for me, and for my family.

the last time i weighed myself I started this at 282 pounds. Today using the same scale i weight 269. its not much, but its a start. I have a goal. I want to loose 5 Pounds before July 1st. Small steps will help me achive my goal. saying i want to loose 50 pounds in 6 months, is setting myself up for failure. I want to make baby steps. All this weight did not come on over night, and it sure as hell will not go off that way either.