this song makes me think alot of things of the past....
I wasn't looking for a lifetime with you And I never thought it would hurt just to hear "I do" and "I do" And I do a number on myself And all that I thought to be And you'll be the one That just left me undone By my own, hesitation Bridge and for the million hours that we were well I'll smile and remember it all then I'll turn and go while your story's completed mine is a long way from done. Chorus Well I'm on a champagne high Where will I be when I stop wondering why On a champagne high I'd toast to the future but that'd be a lie On a champagne high, high Spring turned to summer But then winter turned to mean The distance seemed right At the time it was best - to leave And to leave behind What I once thought was fine And so real - to me And while I'm still gone On the quest for my song I'm at your - celebration Bridge & Chorus Your wagons been hitched to a star Well now he'll be your thing that's new Yeah what little I have you can borrow 'Cause I'm old and I'm blue... Bridge Well I'm on a champagne high (so high) Where will I be when I stop wondering why On a champagne high (so high) Toast to the future but that'd be a lie On a champagne high Where will I be when I stop wondering why On a champagne high...high... So high so high you left me undone so high, so high you left me undone...
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
things i am thankful for
November 24, 2006 - Friday origional post
So thanksgiving is a time to be thankful. So I thought I would sit here and say what I am thankful for. I am thankful that I have Cameron(obvious) to be there for me through all my mood swings, and yet he still loves my hormonal ass. I am thankful that I did not burn the turkey for dinner, even though I cought the stove on fire. I am thankful that Cameron's brother came over for dinner, it was nice. And that his mom and Chip came over too. It was nice to spend time with my soon to be family. LOL. I am thankful that I have a wonderful cousin like Brandy that I can talk to all the time now. Family is an amazing gift, and for years its one of the things I always wished I had. Now that we are all grown up, you can find all those people you lost touch with over the years(like family) and build new and lasting relasionships. That is one of the thins I am most thankful for-my family. I am thankful that I have wonderful friends like Kiristi and Sam that are threre always no matter what, that tell me about things I dont even want to know about, but I do. Friends that I know no matter what would always be there, and have been. I am thankful for my Momo and the kids. Because they have been the only family I have had for years, and I hope that continues to be true. I am thankful that I am alive, healthy, and happy. I am thankful that each day I get to wake up and do it all over again, even though at times it gets rough, its worth it in the end. To all my friends and family, even the ones that dont talk as much, I am thankful for you all. And I love you all very much. Now lets get on with the christmas celebration!!!!!!! Woo Woo!
my life the past few months
origional post September 20, 2007 - Thursday
So i decided it has been a while since i wrote a meaningful blog. so i am going to take the time to do one today. lots of things have changed since i last wrote. So last year Cameron and I got married. Which seemed like a great idea at the time. We were going to have a baby and life was nice, not great, but nice. well we decided to get married because it was the right thing to do. as time went on, i started to realize that my marriage was not what i wanted, or what i think either of us deserved. as time went on, we talked less, we shared less, we huged less. and as time went on, i found a friend who would listen more, share mmore, and hug more. It was not because of this new person that I decided that our marriage should end. I was not happy with my situation. and I can not be happy with in a relation ship if i am not happy with myself. cameron is a good person, and i am just not the one for him.
And i have started to move on in my life at this point. I have a cute little apartment in Ohio City(cleveland). me and the cat are so happy there. and I can work as many hours at work as i want with out feeling the guilt of not being home with the husband and spening time with him. This is a great time for me to figure out what really makes me happy. I want to finish school, and go do things i was not able to do before, like go spend time with family and friends that i miss so much.
Other things are comming along nicely as well. i have a good friend that keeps me company. Some people are not so for it, but as for now him and I are friends and it will be a long time before it will be anything more than that. For the simple reason, im not ready. For one I am still married to Cameron, and that is not fair to try and have something else go on. The divorce will be done soon enough and if its a good thing we should have the patients to not worrie about it and wait. Oh yea and he holds my hand..................ALOT!
Thats it for now i suppose!
So i decided it has been a while since i wrote a meaningful blog. so i am going to take the time to do one today. lots of things have changed since i last wrote. So last year Cameron and I got married. Which seemed like a great idea at the time. We were going to have a baby and life was nice, not great, but nice. well we decided to get married because it was the right thing to do. as time went on, i started to realize that my marriage was not what i wanted, or what i think either of us deserved. as time went on, we talked less, we shared less, we huged less. and as time went on, i found a friend who would listen more, share mmore, and hug more. It was not because of this new person that I decided that our marriage should end. I was not happy with my situation. and I can not be happy with in a relation ship if i am not happy with myself. cameron is a good person, and i am just not the one for him.
And i have started to move on in my life at this point. I have a cute little apartment in Ohio City(cleveland). me and the cat are so happy there. and I can work as many hours at work as i want with out feeling the guilt of not being home with the husband and spening time with him. This is a great time for me to figure out what really makes me happy. I want to finish school, and go do things i was not able to do before, like go spend time with family and friends that i miss so much.
Other things are comming along nicely as well. i have a good friend that keeps me company. Some people are not so for it, but as for now him and I are friends and it will be a long time before it will be anything more than that. For the simple reason, im not ready. For one I am still married to Cameron, and that is not fair to try and have something else go on. The divorce will be done soon enough and if its a good thing we should have the patients to not worrie about it and wait. Oh yea and he holds my hand..................ALOT!
Thats it for now i suppose!
Thanks Leona
origional post November 29, 2007 - Thursday
Leave your name in my blog comments. Once you do that, this is what I'll do for you:1. I'll respond with something random about you.2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle you in.4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.8. If you do this you MUST post this on yours. You MUST. It is written.
1:02 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Leave your name in my blog comments. Once you do that, this is what I'll do for you:1. I'll respond with something random about you.2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle you in.4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.8. If you do this you MUST post this on yours. You MUST. It is written.
1:02 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
I like this song
origional post December 18, 2007 - Tuesday
didn't know what day it was when you walked into the room I said hello unnoticed You said goodbye too soon Breezing through the clientele spinning yarns that were so lyrical I really must confess right here the attraction was purely physical I took all those habits of yours that in the beginning were hard to accept Your fashion sense, Beardsly prints I put down to experience The big bosomed lady with the Dutch accent who tried to change my point of view Her ad lib lines were well rehearsed but my heart cried out for you Chorus: You're in my heart, you're in my soul You'll be my breath should I grow old You are my lover, you're my best friend You're in my soul My love for you is immeasurable My respect for you immense You're ageless, timeless, lace and fineness You're beauty and elegance You're a rhapsody, a comedy You're a symphony and a play You're every love song ever written But honey what do you see in me (Chorus) You're an essay in glamour Please pardon the grammar but you're every schoolboy's dream You're Celtic, United, but baby I've decided You're the best team I've ever seen And there have been many affairs Many times I've thought to leave But I bite my lip and turn around 'cause you're the warmest thing I've ever found (Chorus)
didn't know what day it was when you walked into the room I said hello unnoticed You said goodbye too soon Breezing through the clientele spinning yarns that were so lyrical I really must confess right here the attraction was purely physical I took all those habits of yours that in the beginning were hard to accept Your fashion sense, Beardsly prints I put down to experience The big bosomed lady with the Dutch accent who tried to change my point of view Her ad lib lines were well rehearsed but my heart cried out for you Chorus: You're in my heart, you're in my soul You'll be my breath should I grow old You are my lover, you're my best friend You're in my soul My love for you is immeasurable My respect for you immense You're ageless, timeless, lace and fineness You're beauty and elegance You're a rhapsody, a comedy You're a symphony and a play You're every love song ever written But honey what do you see in me (Chorus) You're an essay in glamour Please pardon the grammar but you're every schoolboy's dream You're Celtic, United, but baby I've decided You're the best team I've ever seen And there have been many affairs Many times I've thought to leave But I bite my lip and turn around 'cause you're the warmest thing I've ever found (Chorus)
my struggle with health
origional post June 17, 2008 - Tuesday
Some of you may know, most of you dont. A year and a half ago I was dianosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, other wise known as P.C.O.S. Wiikipedia defines it as: Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (abbreviated PCOS or PCO), also known clinically as Stein-Leventhal syndrome, is an endocrine disorder that affects approximately 10% of all women .[1] It occurs amongst all races and nationalities, is the most common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age, and is a leading cause of infertility.[2][3] The principal features are weight problems, lack of regular ovulation and/or menstruation, and excessive amounts or effects of androgenic (masculinizing) hormones. The symptoms and severity of the syndrome vary greatly between women. While the causes are unknown, insulin resistance, diabetes and obesity are all strongly correlated with PCOS.
Personally I define it as my living hell. I get hot flashes, night sweats, HORRIBLE mood swings, sugar levels go up and down at the drop of a hat, continous pain in my stomach from my ovaries. I gain weight at the drop of a dime, and i dont even want to talk about loosing it. I know i need to take care of myself, and sometimes its easier just not to. I can sleep 5 more minutes if i just grab some burger from the drive thru for lunch instead of making it. the side effects suck, and are very difficult mentally to deal with. my face breaks out like a 13 year old boys face. i have hair in places most men do. i have to pluck, trim, and shave every day. It makes you produce testosterone. yes the shit that men have. it makes you loose your hair, get depressed very easily, you have issues conceving children. its a mess.
It makes relationships hard because i hate the way i look. i cry every time i see myself naked, becuase i hate who it is making me become. I discust myself. i always joke around about my weight, but deep down inside it just tears through me like nothing else has before. i try to eat right, i even joined a gym. and I went for a few weeks, and i kept making excuses as to why i dont want to go. If someone takes a pictuer of me other than my face, i delete it becuase i hate myself and the way i look. i have huge self estem issues becuase of my weight.
but that is going to change, and its going to change NOW. I am done being fat, I am done crying because I look horrible in what i chose to wear today to work. I am tired of being lazy and feeling sorry for myself. This time I AM DONE WITH ME. its time to change, I am only 25, and this P.C.O.S can be a death sentence, but how i choose to live untill that happens, is MY CHOICE. Today i start a new. Its not about being a size 2, or weighing 115 pounds, its about being healthy for me, and for my family.
the last time i weighed myself I started this at 282 pounds. Today using the same scale i weight 269. its not much, but its a start. I have a goal. I want to loose 5 Pounds before July 1st. Small steps will help me achive my goal. saying i want to loose 50 pounds in 6 months, is setting myself up for failure. I want to make baby steps. All this weight did not come on over night, and it sure as hell will not go off that way either.
Some of you may know, most of you dont. A year and a half ago I was dianosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, other wise known as P.C.O.S. Wiikipedia defines it as: Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (abbreviated PCOS or PCO), also known clinically as Stein-Leventhal syndrome, is an endocrine disorder that affects approximately 10% of all women .[1] It occurs amongst all races and nationalities, is the most common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age, and is a leading cause of infertility.[2][3] The principal features are weight problems, lack of regular ovulation and/or menstruation, and excessive amounts or effects of androgenic (masculinizing) hormones. The symptoms and severity of the syndrome vary greatly between women. While the causes are unknown, insulin resistance, diabetes and obesity are all strongly correlated with PCOS.
Personally I define it as my living hell. I get hot flashes, night sweats, HORRIBLE mood swings, sugar levels go up and down at the drop of a hat, continous pain in my stomach from my ovaries. I gain weight at the drop of a dime, and i dont even want to talk about loosing it. I know i need to take care of myself, and sometimes its easier just not to. I can sleep 5 more minutes if i just grab some burger from the drive thru for lunch instead of making it. the side effects suck, and are very difficult mentally to deal with. my face breaks out like a 13 year old boys face. i have hair in places most men do. i have to pluck, trim, and shave every day. It makes you produce testosterone. yes the shit that men have. it makes you loose your hair, get depressed very easily, you have issues conceving children. its a mess.
It makes relationships hard because i hate the way i look. i cry every time i see myself naked, becuase i hate who it is making me become. I discust myself. i always joke around about my weight, but deep down inside it just tears through me like nothing else has before. i try to eat right, i even joined a gym. and I went for a few weeks, and i kept making excuses as to why i dont want to go. If someone takes a pictuer of me other than my face, i delete it becuase i hate myself and the way i look. i have huge self estem issues becuase of my weight.
but that is going to change, and its going to change NOW. I am done being fat, I am done crying because I look horrible in what i chose to wear today to work. I am tired of being lazy and feeling sorry for myself. This time I AM DONE WITH ME. its time to change, I am only 25, and this P.C.O.S can be a death sentence, but how i choose to live untill that happens, is MY CHOICE. Today i start a new. Its not about being a size 2, or weighing 115 pounds, its about being healthy for me, and for my family.
the last time i weighed myself I started this at 282 pounds. Today using the same scale i weight 269. its not much, but its a start. I have a goal. I want to loose 5 Pounds before July 1st. Small steps will help me achive my goal. saying i want to loose 50 pounds in 6 months, is setting myself up for failure. I want to make baby steps. All this weight did not come on over night, and it sure as hell will not go off that way either.
Dont think I dont think about you
ORIGIONAL POST September 29, 2008 - Monday
this song comes on, and its like i can see my entire life played out in the video, before i even saw the video. some times in life we make decisions that seem to almost haunt us. and at the time they seemed like great decisions, but looking back, you realize all the hurt and pain you drug behind you from the destruction caused along the way. i know i was forgiven, but for some reason, a long time later, i cannot forgive myself. i find it hard to. it was something that was not fair to do to that other person, and i willl live with shame for the rest of my life for it. i know that person forgave me for what i did. for some reason i cannot forgive myself. i have never hung something over my head for this long. usally i deal with things, and i move on. but this one i cannot let go of. what i did was wrong. no i did not kill some one, but i think i did in a essence. so to speak. i miss that person something terrible from time to time. and i have found lately that i have been dreaming about this person. i cared about them very much, but not in the way they deserved. i knew i was not good enough for him from day one, but that did not stop me. we were going to have a family, and a life togehter, how was i supposto move on so easy from something. i walked away from a person, and hurt them so much, that i cannot forgive myself for it. every time i hear this song, i think of the last time i saw him. he picked me up at home for our divorce hearing. we drove there together. we went throuh it, and we left. i cried the entire way home, and that entire day. it shattered my life, and that was the last time i will ever see that person. it crused me down to my very soul, and i dont think any one knows how bad it really hurt me. i did not let that on. he was still my husband, and i walked away, not knowing really why either. i still dont know why i walked away. but i do know now that was the best decision i could have made for him. he deserves better than me, im not a prize here. im imperfect, but he made me feel like i was perfect. i think i just grew apart form him, as i do with most people. they get to close, i run. but i cannot run from this cloud hanging over my head. it will always be there, for ever.
Darius Rucker - Don't Think I Don't Think About It Lyrics
I left out in a cloud of taillights and dust Swore I wasn't coming back, said I'd had enough Saw you in the rear view standing fading from my life But I wasn't turning around, no not this time but Chorus: Don't Think I Don't Think About It Don't think I don't have regrets Don't think it don't get to me Between the work and the hurt and the whiskey Don't think I don't wonder 'bout Could've been, should'a been all worked out I know what I felt and I know what i said but Don't Think I Don't Think About It When we make choices we gotta live with them Heard you found a real good man and you married him I wonder if sometimes I cross your mind Where would we be today if I never drove that car away Repeat Chorus Don't Think I Don't Think about it Repeat Chorus Don't Think I Don't Don't Think I Don't
My first blog
I really dont have a whole lot to say right now. i am going to be transfering blogs over from my myspace page and that will take some time. thanks for stopping over and viewing. more updates to come.
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